Well, I feel like no one reads these entries. Maybe, maybe one or two do. And if you're here then, well, you're going to get a little bonus insight. There's a certain odd little catharsis in revealing something quite intimate, but then not knowing if anyone's going to actually see it or not.
Last weekend I had a meltdown. That might be a little overly dramatic. One person's meltdown may not be another's, but I reached a breaking point and some pressure, which I suppose had been building for a long time, came out in an explosion. It wasn't good. It really wasn't good. I wish no one had been there to witness it, but that's not how things played out.
One of the consequences of this event is that I've faced up to the fact that I was driving myself into a wall. Stress, consistent lack of sleep, too much caffeine, self-medicating to smother the stress, taking on more and more responsibilities and tasks and jobs to smother the stress etc etc.
So now at least I've started to look for help and support and make small changes to my life: removing things that aren't serving me and actually seeking help where I recognise I need it.
And a positive from all this is that I've actually started to carve out a little free time for me and that in turn means that I've started to work on material again for the forthcoming Devil Girl album (although I have to admit I'm having moments where I think “can we just make it an EP and get this behind me?").
Today, well just about an hour ago, I went to Studio B (that's my bathroom) to record guitar and vocals for Devil Girl the title track. I've sent the files to existent/nonexistent. That's now three tracks I've sent his way. I've got one more song left to record and then I'm gonna have to figure out what comes next.
I have an idea for a spoken word piece around what happened last weekend. It's one of those things where it's very autobiographical and I like the idea of that, but a part of me wonders if that's something I might regret putting out there. It does feel in the spirit of Coil and Throbbing Gristle to bare myself without artifice, but we'll see.
But anyway, hurrah, one more song out of my hands. Something productive done.